just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
