She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
