my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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