Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
