Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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