I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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