I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
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