I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
