No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The uberlube is also flammable
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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