First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
