i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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