Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
