I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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