i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
