you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
