its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
