do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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