You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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