that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
