She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
