Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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