I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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