There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
