I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Success! We fucked roommates!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
