Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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