a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
