he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
