I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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