he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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