You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
