why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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