it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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