Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
