Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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