Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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