Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
