my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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