I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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