I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
