i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
