i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
