if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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