Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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