Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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