I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i was born a porn star she said
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
