That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
