just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
