Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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