You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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