two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
